Sugar-Coating Information for our Kids
Thinking back to my childhood, my parents always treated me with a great level of respect and responsibility. They explained everything as it was. That made me feel safe. Some topics were harder to explain than others, but at four years old when you are taken to a room with all concrete walls and ceiling to keep you safe from the bombings, you know you are at risk of something.
My parents with tact and love explained there was a civil war going on, we had to sleep in the family room downstairs to keep us all safe. They answered all questions we had, with just enough detail a four year old needed to feel safe.
When did we think sugar-coating answers for kids was a way to protect their innocence?
Have you ever eaten a caramel green apple or a sour patch kid? Both have something in common. They both have a delicious sour flavor. But the difference is that when you take the first bite of the caramel green apple it starts being the most delicious buttery caramel flavor until the real sour flavor kicks in.
Just like that, sugar-coating information to our children can have the same effect a caramel green apple has on us. First you think it is the most delicious sweet piece of candy, but take the first bite and you realize the opposite is true.
Sugar-coating information is exchanging an unpleasant truth with a more pleasant lie. We tend to believe kids are not ready to listen to or don’t have the cognitive and emotional skills to manage certain hard topics such as sex, violence, or death.
But when kids ask questions, they expect answers. We all do. We feel that by giving kids the hard uncomfortable truth, their innocence will be compromised.
I’m pausing here for a second.
Uncomfortable truth for whom, for parents or for kids?
Right. Oftentimes, these hard truths are uncomfortable for adults, so we decide to sugar-coat the information so it sounds “nicer” and protects our kid's innocence.
The last time I took my daughter to the dentist, she needed to get a filling. My daughter is a brave, smart, and mature seven year old. She loves asking big questions and going deep into world topics. The dentist, a very nice and loving person, started to explain the procedure to my daughter:
Dentist: “I will draw a white star on your molar using this blue light from the Frozen Movie!”
I politely interrupted the dentist, turned to my daughter and with a loving voice told her she was going to get a shot that would help her through the procedure. My daughter’s face immediately changed. A hard truth was just thrown at her.
I turned to her again and looked her in the eye “Sweetie, you will be ok, mom is here to hold your hand if you need me, I understand you feel nervous, it's normal. The thing is, this procedure will heal your molar so you don’t get any more pain from it.” My daughter held my hand and started asking questions about what was going to be done.
The dentist, after hearing how I was explaining the procedure to my kid, proceeded to explain to her what she was going to do. She answered the questions my daughter had. After five minutes of explaining, my daughter laid down and collaborated with the whole procedure. I was a proud mama right there!
That filling didn’t just fix her tooth, it filled her heart with strength!
Kids crave complexity. But they don’t need to get all the details right away. We do need to protect their innocence, but by no means is it about exchanging an unpleasant truth with a more pleasant lie. When we expose kids to the right level of detail on difficult subjects, we allow them to practice managing emotions, processing hard information, and coping as they grow up. They get to develop their emotional intelligence muscle (EQ).
As parents we won’t have all the answers at the moment, or know the right level of detail is appropriate for their level of maturity. Not age-appropriate, maturity-appropriate level.
Each child has a unique process of emotional, intellectual, spiritual, physical, and psychological development.
Some children aged six are ready to learn about war related topics, and other eight year olds are not ready yet. Others are ready to learn details about why a relative died, while others are only ready to understand they are not with us anymore. In any case, respecting each child’s unique process is important to develop a sense of safety and protect their innocence.
Our kids are growing up in the age of information. They have access to information 24/7 with the click of a button. As parents, we can either ban them from using devices that can expose them to information, sugar coat the information, and keep them from developing their EQ skills. Or we can be a guide on the side for them to learn how to process hard truths.
How do we explain things to kids in adult language but protect the innocence of their childhood?
Tricky question right?
Start conversations early on.
The more you connect with your kid and build the relationship through conversation, the more you will know the level of maturity they are at for hard topics.
Bounce back questions.
The other day I was talking with my seven year old, she asked me “what are you going to do mom if my sister and I are grown up and dad dies?”
I looked at her and asked her “What do you think I will do?”
She replied, “stay with us.”
Me: “Yes, I will stay with you both, keep loving you, taking care of you, and we will continue enjoying the time we have together.”
7yo: “I will feel sad mom”
Me: “ Me too, I will feel very sad as well.”
Asking the question back, bouncing it back, helped me visualize what she was ready to listen to as a response. She then continued asking about death and what happens after we die. But knowing the level of maturity she is ready for and responding with a bit more detail allows her to practice EQ but feel safe.
The next time your kid asks you a hard question, what are you going to hand him with a caramel green apple or with a sour patch kid?
📸 by @henrybcreative
